Escaping

This evening... I escaped. One of the hardest parts about getting sick has been... the lack of freedom. I can't do anything by myself... The exhaustion can hit in an instant... the fever comes in a second... the confusion... can be scary... the narcotics... aren't fun.

But tonight... I escaped. I took a late nap (5 hours this afternoon) and avoided the narcotics (went way overdue on the pain killer... but dealt with it... I needed  absolutely had to get out) ... I wanted to drive. I needed to get in my car and take off. I told my mom where I was going... and the route I would take... and that I was only driving a half a mile total... I felt like I was in high-school again and just got my license. I appreciate the concern my parents (and doctors) have shown with me driving... and I understand not driving on narcotics. But tonight... If I got too tired... they could walk the quarter mile and pick me up.

Slowly, I walked to my car and got in. Checked my mirrors and rolled down my windows. As I turned the key a sense of freedom rushed my body. I pulled out of my driveway and down to the first stop sign. I considered turning back... scared for myself... but trusted my judgement... I needed it... I needed normalcy especially after yesterday.

As I pulled into the parking lot in and got the closest spot to the pier I thanked God for providing it for me. Walking down to the beach I ran into a friend who played in orchestra with me in high school. We chatted for a minute I met her boyfriend and we realized we live 1 street away from each other... and as soon as I get healthy... we planned to go for walks on the beach.  Then I walked the entire length of the pier... it took me a long time... with a few stops but I made it... by myself... pushing through the pain. At the end of the pier I watched a cute couple slow dance  on the pier to the song the little shack was playing... and longed for someone to dance with.

Then slowly I walked back down the pier and stopped at the Fisherman's Restaurant. The lights on the pier reflected off the water so beautifully tonight... I felt like I was looking at a Thomas Kinkade. I sat by myself overlooking the ocean and prayed. I prayed for patience... I prayed for a plan... I prayed for peace.

The waitress came and took my order (I got some amazing fish tacos) and I enjoyed the sound of the waves crashing below me. As I finished my meal I was so thankful... thankful to be there... and thankful to finally be alone... I needed some time to absorb... plan... and pray.

After I paid for my meal  and left the restaurant I stood next to the restaurant and watched a school of fish swim beneath me... back and fourth they would go... catching the flies that swarmed above.... Oh I am blessed. I am blessed to have tonight...

I drove home, walked in and found my pills... I had to take the maximum dose to get the pain back under control... but... it was worth it... for the freedom of tonight. I loved being alone... but I wasn't really alone... I had Him to talk to the whole time... and that's all I want.

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise?"



xoxo- me