Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I just need Him.

 Click play on the side bar after you read... yep I picked this song for tonight. 

Her waiting room is filled with beach scenes... In a way... it reminds me of my maternal grandma's house. There's a painting of two children playing in the sand and some seashells in a vase. I sat on a wicker chair and waited for what seemed like an hour.
"Rachel? Right this way, Please go to room one."

My vitals were taken and the nurse brought me a soft leather chair to sit in. I looked longingly across the street at the mall where I ate lunch and watched the birds at least once a week before this started... oh how I wish for those afternoons.... drinking iced tea with lemon and watching the ocean glisten in the sun. Dr. "M" took forever. My mom and I chatted about where we would go for lunch after. And we talked about stopping by my work for a quick hello.

Then I heard the soft knock of the Doctor. She greeted me and we started handing papers back and fourth.
My fever record
her lab tests
She looked over my file.

"Well... I can only comment on one thing... the inflammation panel I ran came back high" (this was a different test with different markers than the one run by the endocrinologist) "I am so sorry... I have no answers... I have no reason for this to be high... It looks like you are just going to have to wait it out."

"WAIT IT OUT?!?!? You have got to be kidding me." I thought to myself... "there is no way I'm waiting this out... someone is finding an answer... this pain is unbearable... I can't stay on this pain killer."

She walked out of the room to check on a couple of tests that she could run. I couldn't look at my mom... tears streamed down my face. Why?

She gave me a couple more tests to have run and told me to send her the results of the rheumatologist. I set up an appointment for a month from now to re-check with her but for now... Infectious disease isn't the answer... She was wrong... it wasn't the west Nile virus... or any of the other 17 things she checked for.

As we drove through the parking lot and past my office... my heart beat fast... my tears raced down my cheeks as if they were participating in the INDY 500. I couldn't bear to go in... My mom didn't even ask.... she knew...

My heart cried out... Oh Lord... please hear my cry... Please... I need you.

When driving through San Juan Capistrano I rolled down the windows and found a song that always makes me smile, on my ipod... Today... no matter how loud I sung it... Don't rain on my Parade by Barbara Streisand didn't do it for me. I sung louder and louder... trying to mask my pain (much to my mom's ears dismay) and the tears wouldn't stop coming.They came rushing down... all forty five minutes while we drove home.

Then... I played the song that's at the top of my sidebar... and... it fit...

Although I know My God always hears me... Sometimes... I just want to know, I want to be reminded, that He is going to hold me when I start to cry.

xoxo- me


Kathleen said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Words fail me right now. I will continue to pray for you.

Love you...Hugs!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have to wait for an answer yet again. I too am lifting you up in prayer. You are a fragrant aroma to God.

Love, Mary

Cindy Sheek said...

You'll have eternity to ask God WHY and He will then answer. For now, He carries you in His loving hands. "I will never leave You or forsake You", He promised, even when it is so hard to trust that this is what He has allowed. It's ok to be at the end of ourselves with nothing left.

Lord, in your mercy, from Your endless supply, grant faith and patience to this dear woman as Your gift to her, who needs You to hold her up and hold her close to You. Amen.

We love you and are continuing to pray for you,