discouraged

I texted my sister as I sat in the car waiting for my mom to finish putting Lilly in the trunk.

"Well... I have two bruise filled arms, two tear stained cheeks, and two unfinished procedures."

"I'm sorry", she messaged back. She knew exactly what that meant.

We were unable to complete the MRI and MRA... because... my veins didn't want to participate today. The staff would get in the vein... I'd watch the blood "return" and then... It would stop... my vein would collapse.

We went through this process 7... Yes seven... times.

I laid on the table... staring through the "MRA mask" that looks kinda like a hockey mask... trying to give her instructions... Get heat, try my wrist, are you licensed to go through my foot?

My heart was sinking... My cheeks were itchy from the tears of discouragement that I couldn't wipe away from under that mask.  What's a girl to do... I had drunk plenty of water... even upped the intake for a few hours to ensure hydration... but my veins aren't very good.

In the car... I sobbed... big, huge, alligator tears.

The whole way home.

Finally home... and totally discouraged...  I Sat on my bed... put on Pandora... and "Blackbird" came on by The Beetles (you can play it on my sidebar). I listened to the slow guitar... I slowed my breathing (and sobbing) down... and realized that... I'm going to be ok. Yes, it's frustrating... but... It's life... someday.. I'll get a complete MRI of my brain... this is only the 2nd try.

Tonight I went to our Christmas program at church... I was nervous... I was terrified of being seen with Kandy or Lilly  (I decided on Kandy (the cane) instead of Lilly (the walker) because she was more easily hidden) and the questions... I knew I'd face...

(P.S. thanks for reading my blog :) I appreciate all the hugs I got from you at church... and thanks for just smiles and hugs (and no tears)! I needed those. You are amazing.)

And I did get the questions from people who didn't know... I tried not to be cold... but I had had quite the day already... and I wasn't ready to explain it all again. So... I did what any girl in my position would do... I lied..

"yeah I'm fine... It's just standard"

Yeah... I'm not quite sure what that means... but I'd say it... and then look the other way and walk away... I should have thought of something to say beforehand... so I'd be prepared... oh well... it probably was not my best social hour... I'll need to work on my response.

So now... I need to get some sleep... haven't been sleeping well the past few nights... I've only been sleeping about 5 hours.

Please pray for Monday...

1. They HAVE to be able to get my vein so they can draw blood to run against the spinal fluid. It is a must.

2. That I can be strong.

Thanks again for praying for me... and reading my blog... I hope you enjoy it.

xoxo- me