This morning, I stood in a room filled with friends and family... and I've never felt so alone. I was going through the motions... I didn't want to be there. Last night was horrible. The pain... the numbness... the tingling... the ache... the tremors... the vision issues. It was all there. I didn't want to get out of bed.
I pried myself out of bed... 10 minutes before I needed to leave for church. My mom was walking out the door.
"Save Rachel a seat" my sis yelled down to her.
"I'm sitting with my girlfriends" She replied
My dad left for a work conference this morning... and my sis was going to help out in highschool group...
"Could I sit with you?" I yelled down
Now... here's where I probably overreacted... she took more than two seconds to respond with... "of course you can!"... and I got offended in my head... So... did I let it go, and sit by her in church? of course not... Well that was partly because I was late... and being as short as I am... I couldn't find her... So I sulked in and...
I sat where I normally sit... except I was all by myself.
Could I have sat with friends... of course... Was I being a stubborn brat and choosing to be miserable... unforgettably yes.
But I think God knew what he was doing... when He allowed me to throw my two year old temper tantrum this morning...
He was allowing me to be molded... He needed me to be alone... So that he could remind me... that He was molding me... He was sanctifying me... I needed Him... To help me to listen...
We finished the responsive reading... which quite honestly... I don't even remember what it was... I was sulking at that point about being single and sick... and not having a significant other to support me. I was thinking about how weak I have been... how tired I am of falling... literally... and the bruises... and coming up with stories about how I got them... I was asking myself how I was ever going to date again... How do you tell someone... that you aren't healthy? How do I fake it till they get to know who I really am? How can I hide my tremors and scars? How do I hide my falling... Oh.. why am I even worrying? Do I need to hide it? Is that dishonest? Should I be outright about my condition? Why am I even worrying about this?
Then I looked down to see what was next and it was the song...
"How Firm a Foundation"
"great" I thought to myself... " Yeah.. I need a firm foundation... to keep my legs up... Man... Why this song... I've never really thought about this song... Maybe I should pay attention."
Then our pastor began to sing... and I listened... really listened to the words I've sung so many times... and it hit me... God was talking... directly to me.
"How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said—
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?
Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.
When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake."
"I love you Lord" My eyes filled with tears... "Oh what a sinner I am. Thank you for reminding me that you are going to bless my troubles... and you have given me a firm foundation to stand on. "
Now I sit... embarrassed by my frustrations over my illness... but knowing that somehow... He is using me through this.