Tuesday, October 25, 2011

dreading... dreading... dreading

So sorry friends... I've been an awful updater lately.

The past few weeks have been filled with some good and some bad... Some new friends... and some old. Some happy times... and some that have been terribly disappointing.

Yesterday... was another "paper napkin day". I took the day off from work... I was dreading it... I had been dreading that test since I was told I would go through it... It was a 2 hour test... at the urologists office... Yeah... Sound like fun to anyone?

Sunday morning, my mom and I were driving up to church...

"So... after I drop you off for the test I figure I'll go shopping"

"Um... I need you to come with me"

This led to a "bossy Rachel" who wasn't really all that thrilled with the idea of going through this alone. Now... my sweet mom probably just thought I would be more comfortable by myself... but.. come on... no... I really really wanted her there... at my head ... but there. Cause... I'm 24...  I still need my Mommy and I'm not afraid to say it :)

My dad texted me on Sunday morning... "Eva is singing "Blessings" at offertory"

My eyes welled up at the thought of that song... It has been my prayer since the beginning of all of this. The night before had been awful... my leg felt horrible... I lost my vision... and that awful burrowing at my ankle was driving me nuts. I had laid in bed humming "It is Well with my Soul" over and over and over again... and the "Blessings"  And that one line from "Blessings"

"What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise."

It rocks my soul. Every time.

We sat in church. She sang. Quietly, I held my tears in... my mom sobbed in the pew next to me. Shaking so violently that the entire pew was moving. (she's a physical crier ;) she doesn't cry quietly... no single tear for her)... Proudly, I held it together... for almost the whole song...


"What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy"

Then... my cheeks were wet. I long for heaven. I long to see my Savior's face. I long to have him hold me... I long to worship at his throne. 

Yesterday... as I sat on the blue table... as the sweet nurse (who made the procedure not so bad) put electrodes in places I can only imagine.... I prayed... "Oh Lord, use me for Your Glory"... it was really the only thing I could think... when going through such an awful test. 

I cried a few times... because my nerves are so sensitive. She completed the test...

We waited in the room for the doctor to come in... 

I spent 3 hours at the office... And I got 3 diagnosis's... and a referral for a second opinion of a neurologist. I was beat... I was exhausted. My heart was heavy... this horrible disabling disease that we've been "trying to avoid"... just might be it. I'm not ready to share yet... but... boy... is my heart heavy. 

so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers... please pray for my strength... and that if there is any way possible... that my appointment with the new neuro could be moved up. It's over a month away. And once again... I'm dreading it. 

"Oh Lord, use me for Your Glory"



Crysti & Jerome said...

My sweet, sweet friend. I ache for you. I'm sending you a bear hug and I'm sending the Holy Spirit prayers for miraculous healing and comfort. I love you.

Anonymous said...

He already is sweet girl, he already is. Your faith truly humbles me.

Anonymous said...

This is my only link to you and my reminder to keep praying. Your steadfastness in the LORD is an awesome testimony! As a "mama", I can relate to your mom and her tears as she stands by your side during this time.

Amy said...

Rachel- I am so sorry your are having to go through this. Your full faith in the lord is SO inspiring. I truly hope that, the disease you don't want to mention yet, is not it and they can rule it out. Please let me know if you ever need anything, we're not too far away.