Saturday, September 10, 2011

nerve testing... and new normal.

"You are stronger than you were last time" My doctor says as she points to my seven and a half inch scar going down my chest.

"Well... I've had to learn to be." I told her

"This is going to hurt worse than 6 years ago. You were just a baby then... I will be using full electricity. I need to get good results."

I couldn't help but think... Great... I sobbed like a baby last time I had my nerves tested. But she is right I am much stronger than I was... But today I don't feel very strong.

She hooked me up to the machine. Green wire... red wire... and black wire... I remember from my dad's lessons on electricity when we put in new plugs that black wires mean... death.  Yeah... Why am I letting her hook me up to this machine again? I wondered.

She sent the first test through my body as it jumped and shook uncontrollably... than again... and again... and again... for a half an hour. Then she begun with the ( don't read the rest of this paragraph if your squeamish)  other part of the test, the black wire became attached to a needle which she inserted into different parts of my muscles.  That hurt the most as the electricity surged through my body.

She finished... gave me the preliminary results... which were... big shock here.... mostly normal.  She needed to look at the results a little more carefully... before she gave me the final results.

Then she decided... because of the results... she needs to check my legs... So guess who gets to have more testing done next week... yeah... me.  yay. But I'll be brave and strong... and it'll get done and I will go home and sleep for a good 4 hours from the exhaustion of the electricity.

My pastors and some elders from my church came to pray for me this week... It was such a blessing. I am so grateful for my church family and the support they have shown my family through our lives.

This week... I'm letting go... I'm letting go of my plans... and accepting His. I'm trying to accept my new "normal" and deal with it accordingly.  I'm back to work full time as of two days ago... it's not easy... but it's better than sitting at home all day... Did I ask my doctor's if I could go back full time? no... of course not. I know what they would have said... and quite honestly... I need normal in my life...  even if it's "new normal" meaning... I go to work in pain... I come home in more pain... and it's hard every minute. But I make it :) and it's my new normal... I've let go of what life is "supposed to feel like" and accepted my new normal.

The only thing is... I'll still be looking for answers.

xoxo- me

P.S. the song for today is "I'm letting go" ... Enjoy :) xoxo


Mama Mote said...

What I love about you is your honesty. And I love that you have a song that shares what you're feeling. Kind of like me. I can usually find or think of a song that reminds me of different ways I'm feeling or of different circumstances I might be in. Still praying for you and your family. Give hugs to your mom. And hugs to you, too. Someday hope to meet you.

Anonymous said...

Rachel, you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. Even though I may not always comment on your blog, I always keep up with it. Your strength encourages me. So sorry you had to get those electrical shocks!
Love, Mary N.