Thursday, August 11, 2011

SHIRTS

In third grade I had a favorite shirt. actually... funny now that I think of it... I had a favorite shirt every year... In my family we only went clothes shopping once a year... right before school. My mom would give us a budget (normally about $100 and we were expected to get the most out of it... It was a fun game... we hit the clearance racks at target and mervyns and old navy...  I remember one year being so proud of myself for bringing home 22 items with my 100 dollars... I would brag to my dad about how I got a shirt for $1.22 (who am I kidding... I still do). We also got tons of clothes for birthdays and holidays... normally matching... thanks mom for making Naomi and I look like jailbirds  when I was in second grade... with itchy black and white striped shirts and black pants... that was the one outfit that took the cake in my book. wow... sorry for the tangent... anyway... My favorite shirt in third grade was pink... it had a bear on it with a tag that read "hug me". I wore it all the time (that is until some boy teased me and kept trying to hug me)...

So... this afternoon as I drove home I couldn't have felt more alone. I felt as though I was completely and totally alone... I needed a hug... I needed someone to listen... not suggest... not talk... just listen. Don't get me wrong...  I have had masses of people supporting me... and I am so grateful for all of you...

But today... I wanted to cry... I wanted someone to hold me... to hold my heart. I drove up the 73 toll road and over the brown grassy hill and cried... Then this song came on the radio... you can press play on my sidebar and hear it...

I felt so alone... but this song reminded me that I am treasured. I am His.

I hadn't had the opportunity to talk to anyone in my family about what the doctor said... well not really talk to them... I told them what he said... but not how I was feeling... this is why I felt so alone. I tried so hard to let it go... but the fact of the matter is... no matter what it is that is making me sick... I'm still sick... it doesn't matter what the name is... it is affecting me. I am sick... and it's not getting better.

When I got home from work my mom and sis were talking about something important and I just went to my room... and continued crying... I was really hoping to talk to one of them about what was on my mind... but I needed to wait. (yes... to all of you who are about to send me an email. I do know the world doesn't revolve around me... I did not interrupt them... they had no clue I was even upset... And I wasn't expecting them to stop everything and talk to me. I just needed to cry... they finished their conversation and then 30 minutes later came to ask me to move my car... anyway... I do know the world doesn't revolve around me... quite contrary to what some people may think that "I think" ... so ... please don't accuse me of it... k? thanks :) P.S. sorry for the defensive... I'm just kinda tired of being accused of it.)

Then... My sis left and eventually... I told my mom about my worries... she listened... and hugged me. And for just a small moment... she made it all better.  I explained how I felt so alone... How I don't have that one person in my life who cares to listen to everything... she has my dad... Naomi has Matt... grandma has grandpa... uncle has aunt... I have... a cat? I don't have that relationship... and it's times like these that I long for one... I long for someone to grab my hand and tell me it will be ok. I want them to come up and pat my shoulder... and... I want a confidant.

I have Him though... and He is better than any earthly man...


anyway... I think that is enough looking into my heart for tonight...

xoxo-me

oh and p.s. I got all the hugs I needed... no need to find me and trample me down tomorrow... I promise... I'll let you know if I need one... I'll be wearing a pink shirt with a brown bear on it with a tag that reads "hug me" :)




1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You have ALYSSA to talk to :D