This morning I sat in my bed and watched the humming birds come and take a drink from the flowers growing in my window box. They are so peaceful.... Quickly fluttering between flowers.
When I was 17 (yep... 17 and sick with my first disease) before I had my open chest surgery I had another humming bird friend. There was a pink floral tree that grew outside my window and on the one branch that was so close to my window... my friend made her soft nest. Daily I would sit next to that window, while the cool breeze blew in, and watch for her eggs to hatch. She would let me sit there and watch... for hours. Then one day... the tiniest little birds came hatching out... they were so small they almost looked like bugs. I watched them grow and eventually fly away... but daily I was amazed at their growth and strength. How could something that small survive... and fly so fast?
Yesterday I got my results on my biopsies... everything was "normal". There was some swelling... but no diagnosis. The doctor and I talked on the phone for 25 minutes... We talked about my current situation and what we could do next. He will have me swallow the camera pill... but he's also nervous about another disease... and he has decided to send me to specialist number 10... I think it is ten... I've started to loose count... Funny thing... I saw her 7 years ago... and she helped with my diagnosis back then... So I am grateful that it is her... and even though I hated (I know... hate is a really strong word) her when I first met her (we didn't have the best first meeting... some things were said by her... and I accused of crying too easily... but later she apologized for being so harsh... after she read through my case.... and understood all I had been through... after all.. I was 17 and in a wheelchair.) But I'm so grateful that it is her... that she can help again.
Anyway... My Doctor told me he really didn't want to tell me why he thought I needed to see her... but he did. He is always honest with me, and he knows that if I know, I can plan... I can start to deal... with the idea of it... I can be prepared for the possibility...it makes it easier...
I cried for an hour after he told me... I know it is a strong possibility... but then... I let it go.
And honestly... I'm not ready to even worry about this illness... or share it with anyone... but if this is it... my life will never be the same... so... I need to be strong... I need to quickly flutter past my worries.... I need to fly to God's word... I need to stop and enjoy these flowers.