Saturday, July 30, 2011

sparrows

I could hear the ringing through my sleep. The noise seemed to be getting closer and closer to my head.

"Rachel! Wake up! It's your disability guy" My mom said.

Quickly, I opened my eyes, sat up and said "Hello, this is Rachel" I've been waiting for his call for 2 weeks. I work for a New York based company and being out of  work is slightly different than it would be if it was a local company. I have to go through a private company to "prove that I'm sick". They had only approved me through the end of May (I have had Job security through the family medical leave act but... that only lasts so long) ... And ever since then we (my doctors and I) have been trying to prove to the insurance company that I was still sick. So I've been keeping fever charts and symptom descriptions and I write down every time I go get tests or bloodwork or have an appointment.

I've been calling them at least three times a week to check on my claim... What's the problem?  You might ask... I still... after 3 long months have no diagnosis. This doesn't sit well with a company that is paying you to be out of work. So it seems that it's their job to prove that... you should be back to work. I can honestly say that this has caused me a great deal of stress. I could not get the idea that that someone was accusing me of faking it out of my head.

"Honestly... I'm sick" I would tell my mom.  "WHO in their right mind would want to go through this?!?!" I would question angrily. "Ugh... being at work is less stressful! At least there I don't feel like my integrity is being questioned!" I would huff. "I would love to meet them and have them watch me tremble... or break into a sweat... or sit down cause I was running a fever." I would yell.

Yet, I understand that they are just doing their jobs, and sadly, there are way too many people who have abused the system and made it so difficult for the rest of us who are actually ill... even though our sickness may be lacking a diagnosis.

I rested the phone against my ear and pressed the soft button to turn the volume up. And I heard those words I've been waiting to hear... You've been approved.

Oh Thank You Lord! Finally! After 2 long months of no approval... I'm approved. He asked if the information he had was correct and if I had actually returned to work. I explained that I was only back part time... and still searching for a diagnosis... It's not easy but I'm trying. He apologized and wished me the best and quick healing. He understood... He tried with all his might to comfort me through the phone.

Soon thereafter... I was dancing around my kitchen...  I stopped to watch the sparrows dive down into my garden to pick up the bugs on the ground. Finally...  What a relief... no more trying to prove that I'm sick to people. Finally the stress of thinking that people were calling me a liar was gone. I was approved.

Yesterday was the hardest day at work physically. The pain was so evident in my back and stomach and my body was throbbing. At one point I'm sure my temperature raised... as I started "glistening" quite profusely. Work wise... it was great... I'm nearly finished with the training on our new system that took everyone 5 weeks to finish (I'm apparently a fast worker and reader... ha ha! Or... since I already can see the system... it's a million times easier :) ). I got home and my eyes couldn't close fast enough... While watching my toes as they peeked through the bubbles at the end of the tub, I remembered, how thankful I am that I had this insurance... as much of a pain as it was to deal with... so many people don't have any... and I am blessed. I am so thankful... and I'm thankful for them trying to keep people honest...

Monday is my endoscopy... I can't say I'm thrilled... I woke up this morning at 4 am worrying... worrying about the results... and worrying about a looming diagnosis... I need to remember Matthew 6:34...actually the whole chapter is great... That verse says, Matthew 6:34 says:

 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."


Just as He takes care of the sparrow... He will take care of me.

xoxo- me

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey there sweetie! Congratulations on the disability settlement. I agree with you about worrying. It is true what it says in Matthew 6:34, but we tend to forget that we are more important to God than the birds. He sent His Son to die for us not the birds yet He cares for them.

What are you doing up so early? That is my time to get up.

Love you.

Papa

Rachel Shoemaker said...

Well... I was up for some... fun stuff... taking meds and yuck :) Ha ha! and then I Worried :) But you are so right :)Love you! xoxo

Anonymous said...

What an awesome blessing..taking one thing off of your list to think about. It's exciting that you were able to go back to work, even if very tough. Praying for you and MISSING you at youth group!! - Mary

Rachel Shoemaker said...

Missing you too Mary! Hopefully I will be back soon :) one step at a time... xoxo