I've been in total denial... Like I said in my last post... I've been in complete denial... I don't want to think that I'm sick... I don't want to admit to my pain. When people come to visit... I pretend I'm fine (well... as well as I can pretend) So... I've stopped answering the phone... and rarely return emails or texts... I don't feel like talking about "it"... (P.S. I am so sorry to those of you whom I might have offended... please understand... it's not you... I just can't deal with any of it.. nor do I have the energy to... my heart is burdened... and I'm trying my best to hold it together.)
So... I've been in denial or should I say I've been trying to be in denial... That is, until tonight. I work with the Jr. High girls at my church. My dear friend Mary and I have been working together with them for 2ish years. We Love... absolutely love mentoring them and teaching them about the Lord. Well... It hit me like a rock... as I looked at my calendar... there it is... Tomorrow... they leave for camp. When this all started for me back in April I never thought I would be still un-diagnosed by the time
we they left for camp. Well... I wont be going with them this year. I will be missing the chats, the laughs, the pranks they play on me. I will miss the late night talks with Mary. And my most favorite part... watching their love for the Lord grow as they grow in their knowledge of him.
This breaks my heart.
My heart will be with them and my prayers will be too as they journey down to San Diego and have the time of their lives :)
Tonight... I let myself cry. I mourned the loss of my time with them. The loss of my "growing" at work (I've missed some really important training I needed to take to continue moving up... I'll take it when it's available next... but... I'm super bummed about it) The loss of my time with friends... The loss of my energy... The loss of life as I knew it. The past months have all become a blur... I can't believe it's already July. When this started I was getting ready for my Royal Wedding Party at work... I had scone, clotted cream, and tea sandwich recipes ready in my purse... they are still there. The party didn't happen.
So tonight... in all my pain... and through the fever that just came... I let myself come out of denial... I let myself cry... I gave my burden away... What's that verse... I think it's in Matthew 11 and it goes something like... Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.... That keeps running through my mind...
Oh Lord... please give me rest... Let me rest in your promise.
I can't believe I still don't have an answer... we think we do... It's probably the West Nile... but I'm still waiting on results... my heart is heavy... and I just wish I was with "my girls".