Wednesday, May 9, 2012


My heart pounds with excitement every time I lace up my running shoes... yes... running shoes.

Now granted... I have actually only ran twice... but I have been walking... Lots and Lots of walking.

I can go for miles... My record... 3.5 miles in ONE day :) 

The Lord has blessed me. 

My first pair of heels I got to wear... I lasted about an hour... but it was a wonderful hour :)

But I've been silent... I haven't written in what seems like years. 

My girl Molly and I after a walk. 

My heart has been nervous... I've been playing the What if game...What if this healing doesn't "stick"? What if it is just a quick "remission" before sickness hits again? What if? What if? What if? 
We graduated from beginning puppy school... She is helping those nerves connect.

How do I trust the Lord that no matter what happens... whether I see it as good or as bad... that the circumstances are his plans?

I've been checking in with my doctors on a regular basis... I'm making progress faster than anyone has expected. My blood levels are perfect... my thyroid has started working again... some of my nerves are reconnected... and yet I wonder... how... how am I going to get through the rest of this?

recovery is so hard... I have a really long way to go still... but even the worst day of recovery is better than the best day of illness.

I can deal with the numb hands and feet... the small twitches... the vision issues when I get hot... I know it will be ok... it will get better... eventually. 

Some of my doctors and physical therapists have compared what I'm going through to a person who is recovering from a stroke... or a spinal cord injury. 

lots of time... lots of patience. 

My sweet kitty is feeling better... and don't judge my snowman pj's... I celebrate Christmas all year long ;) 

I have returned to work part time... The Lord blessed me with an awesome position... close to home... Where I could keep my benefits... But, I am in a new office... and every-time I begin to work at a new office... I get the questions... 

Did you have open heart surgery?
My gorgeous garden... My daffodils came up... I planted them right before I had to start using my walker. Isn't it amazing that they bloom... now that I don't have to?

My heart begins to sink... is my scar really that obvious? Most of the time I forget about the 7 and a half inch scar that graces my chest... but my clients sure do seem to notice... 

I graciously try to answer their questions... without giving them too much information... 

Then they ask why I moved branches... well honestly... I lie.

I tell them I wanted to be closer to home (which is totally true.) and that this position opened up... and I snatched it up...

I leave out the fact that I had to leave my old position... because I was out on disability for too long... and I am recovering from a very rare disease (that may or may not be linked to my previous surgery) ... after all... the strangers who I have told, seem to think that my life is some sort of modern day tragedy... (sorry to the forever 21 sales associate who asked... and I was in a somewhat snarky mood... I told her I had a giant mass removed from my chest at 18... and now I have an awful nerve disease... that I am recovering from... but the doctors don't even have a name for... and I am lucky that I don't have to use a walker anymore... I'm pretty sure she used an entire box of kleenex...and couldn't understand why I was so ok with it... well honey... it's my life... I have to be ok with it... I can't change my circumstances...) 

I assure you my life is not a ... modern day tragedy... although some days... I do think it would make a good TV movie... I've been through so much... 

But He has brought me through this... 

This journey is a blessing.

"May this journey bring a blessing
May I rise on wings of faith
At the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake
Jesus, guide me through the tempest
Keep my spirit staid and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more"

I have so much Joy... I have come so far... I have learned so much... I am so blessed. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

xoxo- me 


The Lee Family said...

I've been going back through the blogs I missed when you first published them, and I am so glad to hear of your progress and recovery!!! So, just curious, who would play you if there was a TV movie?!

Kelly Lee

Rachel said...

that's a great question!!! I have no idea :) any ideas?