I'm trying to stay positive.
But tonight... I broke into tears... because something as simple as pressing the pedal on a bathroom trashcan, to lift the lid, is now... nearly impossible.
Yep... I struggled to get my foot to move in the correct way... There is nothing quite as frustrating as knowing that you can do it... but not being able to.
It's simple things like trashcans now that bring me into a big puddle on the floor.
My face falls to my hands as the drip drip drops of tears pour from my eyes. I wonder why I am so discouraged... Why I can't handle this better. Why I can't get strong enough to drive... Or go back to work. Why is this happening?? Why can't I be young and HEALTHY?
I spend my days doing puzzles... crocheting... reading... riding my bike as much as possible (I'm up to about 30 minutes a day... 3 ten minute sessions... with long rests in between)... watching the news... and "planning" fabulous vacations I don't think I'll ever go on (but it sure is fun to pretend to plan them... right? It's kinda like window shopping... you just enjoy the act of pretend.)
I hate to admit it... And maybe I shouldn't... but in the name of honesty (which is why I have this blog) Recently I've become rather jealous. (FYI... Please Make sure you read to the end of this post. Or you will surely never talk to me again.)
I get jealous of my family when they run up the stairs to "grab something real quick"... I get jealous of my friends when they have the "Monday blues"... seriously... a bad day at work is better than a good day at home sick with a neuro-muscular disorder... I get jealous of people who can shower without exhaustion... confession... I just took my first shower in 4 days... eww.
I've also become angry.
I've never been an angry person... But my blood started to boil when I read what someone had written on their status on facebook (they were trying to be encouraging to their friends with their new years resolutions) "Jump up and down... if anything jiggles... time to exercise!".. I was furious... Way to point out that I CAN'T JUMP!
I covet peoples health.
Now... I realize...
I'm allowing my illness to color the way I see the world... and expecting for everyone to be sensitive to my crazy thoughts... I'm expecting people to know how their actions would make me feel... even stupid actions... like running up stairs.
I'm asking people to walk across a street filled with eggshells... and not to break one... all while being sensitive to MY emotions... and how it would make ME feel... Hoping that they would use a walker to make ME feel better... so I didn't feel so alone.
I am wrong.
I am ashamed of my self-centered view of life lately. Being at home and sick can really shrink my view of the world. I am realizing how absolutely wretched I am... How my human thoughts and desires are just simply awful.
1st Peter Chapter 2
1 So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. 2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation—3 if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.
I am so glad that the Bible is clear that we need to put it all away. We need to pursue God's word.
Now My dear friends and Family (you have seen the brunt of this)... Please forgive me for my anger... jealousy and covetousness... I am truly sorry.
|Oh Lord... Please take away my jealousy and anger. So that you can be glorified through my actions. Let me not be discouraged by my current state... but encouraged by your love. Knowing that you work all things together for good.|