Saturday, January 7, 2012

all alone.

 I thought I was ready to spend a day all by myself, something that I haven't done in over a month.

My parents went on a date... and my sister went to volunteer, then go on a date.

And I realized... I wasn't ready to be alone...

After struggling to get downstairs, I heated up some black bean salsa soup from the other day... and in the very pit of my stomach... I realized... I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready to face the silence... The silence that surely would surround me all day. It was the silence that reminded me that I am trapped in my broken body. Trapped in my home. Not able to go and enjoy the ocean waves or the glorious mountain view.

I told my parents yesterday that I was starting to fall into a depression.

Now... I'm going to get on my soapbox for just a minute. I've struggled with depression before. And at that time... I was closer to God than I have ever been. Do not tell me that depression is something caused by a "distance from God". Depression is real. It is a real chemical imbalance that happens in the brain. It doesn't mean that I have some sort of guilt because of  my sin in my life that I am not admitting to... Now granted I do believe all of these could be possibilities. But... I know that they are not the reason for me... at least not currently.

My reason, is the same reason I fell into one 7 years ago. No one expects to get sick. No one expects to be 16 and put into a wheelchair because they don't have enough energy to stand. No one expects to go to prom, graduation and grad-night in a wheel chair. No one expects to have a surgery that will leave them with a 7 and a half inch scar down their chest.

Did I feel distanced from God? No... I was closer than I had ever been.

Currently... I didn't expect to go from health to sickness, again. I didn't expect to have to stay home from work so quickly after getting a promotion. I didn't expect to loose my ability to walk. I didn't expect to loose my ability to drive. I didn't expect having to depend on my parents and sister... for things like... getting myself up stairs. Or getting into the shower from time to time. I didn't expect to feel like a burden. My chemicals are imbalanced. I am disappointed... I feel in some way that I picked the short stick in life. My plane ticket was changed from the Bahamas to the Sahara desert.

I feel alone in this battle. I know the Lord is with me... But I feel stuck... in this body... that doesn't work... And it's only 24.

So Please, Please don't judge. Don't tell me that if I read some book, or ate some food, or did some exercise it would all go away... everyone is different. Emotions are strange... And honestly... I believe God gave them to us so we could work through them... learn to depend on him. Grow closer in our struggles.

It is hard to be open... But I believe that the more I am open and honest... the more healing comes. And I hope that somehow it helps those who read. I don't write for fame or glory... but for myself. I'm not trying to say my life is the hardest (I know that it isn't) or that I am not recognizing anyone else's struggles... but I write simply for myself.

I know that my parents and sister are thrilled that they can help me. They have been wonderful.

Today we all needed some time apart.

But now... I sit... realizing how absolutely helpless I feel. How discouraged I am at my current state. My mind is running with what if's.

Today.. If I were healthy... I would have gone to starbucks and purchased a coffee, with room for cream. I would have added three sugars to it... and a whole bunch of cream. Then I would have taken my coffee... and this months issue of Real Simple and sat on the bench at the top of the beach.

After I had finished I would have walked down the stairs (huge challenge for my body) and taken a stroll along the pier and talked to the old fisherman who sits on the pier.

It would have been perfect...

But now... I sit in complete silence... with only the clicking of my keys and my ticking clock. With no ability to leave the prison that is my broken body.

Praying that my Lord would take this away. And if he doesn't... that it would be acceptable in my mind.

And somehow... I'd realize that I can still enjoy little things... Like my cat snuggling up to me... and crocheting with no where to go...

Tuesday I get to find out if I'm going to be allowed to return to work. I'm really going to push him to let me. But for some reason... I'm not expecting him to be "ok" with that... I'm weaker than I was the last time I saw him.

Now... I'm going to choose to be positive... choose to smile... and somehow... make my way out into my back yard... sit in front of my winter bulbs I managed to get in the ground this past fall... and admire how the Lord allowed them to bloom...

I'm ready to blossom into Joy.

xoxo- me


Anonymous said...

thank you for your honesty Rachel. I experienced only a small amount of "sitting on the sidelines" and knew how hard it was for me. I pray for you and thank you for the blessing and example you are to me in my life.

Anonymous said...

You blossom away granddaughter. The fragrance of God's joy comes through in your writing. Your honesty and frankness are uplifting and encouraging.

Remember that grandma and I love and pray for you. Also, many of our friends are praying.

God has His purpose and it is our responsibility to move on to find that purpose even if it is just being a blessing to others. And that you are.

Love, Papa

Bumbler Bee said...

I have felt that way too, Rachel. It happens to the best of us (including our King Messiah Yeshua). Keep your head up, girl & let's not cease in praying for eachother. :)