Monday, December 5, 2011


Currently... I'm sitting on my bed... upstairs.

This is an accomplishment. 

Who would have thought a year ago I would be so thankful for such a small victory (a small victory that wouldn't have been if mom hadn't helped me up... "Hi... I'm Rachel.. and I'm 24 and I can't climb my stairs"). But here I sit... thankful. I am prayerful and hopeful that this decline in my leg strength will help the doctors to give me my final diagnosis. So that we can start treatment... and hopefully healing. 

Today...  while I was at work... It took me a couple minutes to get my legs to work correctly so I could step up the one curb in my parking structure. 

I was frustrated. 

"Why?!?! WHY?!?!" 

My hands trembled... badly.

"Why?!?!? WHY!??!"

Then it happened. I was frustrated. I was down... I was sitting on my tall blue chair. I was doing my job... making small talk as I took care of a client...

"how's your day?" I asked her

"terrible... I just got diagnosed with stage 1 cancer" 

"I am so sorry"

"I'm just upset cause my life will never be the same... My life is over"

This is where I got mad... Like RED IN THE FACE I WANT TO YELL!!!!

I wanted to tell her about my condition... I wanted to tell her that she was lucky... I wanted to tell her how jealous I was that #1. She knew for certain what she had. 2. It was stage 1 and totally treatable (yes she told me her doctor had come up with a plan...) 3. That she was lucky it wasn't disabling like this stupid mustard seed... and most likely after some chemo she would live a "normal life". 4. That she was 60... she had probably lived most of her life healthy... and some people don't have that luxury. 

I wanted to cry for her... illnesses don't make your life not worth living... They don't make your life... over.  

My heart broke for her. 

Then I felt like a horrible person for judging her... She just found out... And she is grieving... I've been grieving my health since April. It isn't right for me to tell her how to feel. The only thing I should have done was say a prayer for her. Instead... I judged her. 

Someone's day can be worse... Which hers was... Mine was just weak... weak and waiting... 

xoxo- me

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