waiting

As I laid on that table with the whirring sound of the machine tumbling through the air and into my head the deepest part of my soul cried out...

"Please Lord.... Please.... I am in so much pain... let them find this illness... please "

The contrast then was pushed into my small little vein (which they had so much trouble getting the iv to stay in... I'm a stinkin' hard stick.)   and I once again felt that burning sensation... that horrible "I feel like I'm wetting the table" sensation... 

My thoughts always go back to the first time I had a cat scan with contrast... the guy didn't warn me of that feeling. And I was so embarrassed when I told him I had wet the bed... but... he assured me I hadn't. 

At the beginning of my appointment today,  when I first walked back into that hall that has become oh-so-familiar for me these past few months, I saw the wonderful friend who I had made... She smiled and welcomed me back. She asked me how my condo search was going... and if I had found anything with a patio yet... (I want a huge patio... so I can have all of my flowers :) ) I told her everything is on hold...

 I hate those words... everything is on hold... I just really want to move forward... I want to go back to work... so I can buy my condo. She looked at me with her kind eyes and said she was so sorry... and I told her how much this test meant... it either means we have an answer... or I'm getting sent to at  least 2 more doctors. 

She completed the scan and then... She... who saw exactly what I wanted to see came out of her little barricade... and in her sweet voice she let me know I was done and asked.

"you have an appointment with your doctor this afternoon... right?"

The words left her body with a sense of concern. Her demeanor had changed from the beginning of our interaction today... Had she seen something? Or was it clear as clear could be? She was obviously concerned for me and my situation. Was she concerned because there was something there? Or was it because she knew this wouldn't provide the answers I was looking for, and yet... they aren't the answers I want? 

I didn't even bother asking her... I've been through this enough times to know that asking won't do anything... except irritate me. 

"No, I don't have an appointment today." 

Those words sounded more like a question coming out of my mouth than a statement... Should I? Please... I want an indication... Should I call him? My mind was flooded with "what if's". 

Maybe I'm just reading into this... way too much...maybe she just got a text from her hubby that her dog died? maybe that's why her demeanor changed? hmm... I just don't know... 

She glanced down at the IV as she pulled it out of my arm and pressed a cotton ball on my elbow, then she looked back up at me, half-heartily grinned, as she taped the soft cotton to my inner elbow, and told me...

"Your doctor will have your results by tomorrow at the latest... but probably by this afternoon... "

We walked down that hall one more time... she gave me a hug and told me it was great seeing me again... and that she'd be here when I need to come back... but hopefully not too soon. 

So now... I wait... I wait and pray... Please Lord please.