Sunday, June 19, 2011

that road marked with suffering



This weekend was good... My best friends came for a visit... and we played Settlers of catan and ate cake... I was grateful to have them visit even if it was only for a little bit.

Today I made it to church... I almost didn't...  last night was a bad tummy night... again... so... I was up and in the bathroom... too much... which didn't make for good sleep.

As I walked into church this morning... I was so happy to be there... I was determined to not "appear sick" or feverish... The first thing my pastor said to me, after asking how I was doing, was...

"well... you could've fooled me"

That thrilled my self-conscious mind. There has been a sense of embarrassment to this illness... it would be easier if I had an answer for my weird visible symptoms... the shaking... the weakness... the beads of sweat that appear on my upper lip and forehead at any moment, the need to run to the restroom with my hand grasping my mouth so tightly... the protruding belly (oh... about that... I have a confession... I have worn the same dress... EVERYDAY... for a week... yeah... it's currently the only thing that fits... my stomach has grown 12 inches... but I haven't gained a pound... thank goodness for the small load cycle on our washing machine!) so ... yeah... I get embarrassed... My mom says I need to get over it... people understand... but... I can't help but feel... embarrassed.
Well.. as we stood in the pew, during the worship service, we sang the song "Blessed be your name". I've sang it hundreds of times... maybe even thousands... but... typically it's when  I'm ..." in the land of the plentiful"... I'm not in that land right now...



"Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name"



And then... I couldn't hide it any more... I couldn't hide the pain... the pew in front of me had tear  drops sitting on the wood. Shoot... I don't like to express emotions in public.. I'd rather sit behind my computer... and do it... not here in church... not now... I don't want to be seen... I don't want to be a distraction...

Why is that verse so hard to sing?
"Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"
Then... I realized... There was is so much pain in the offering... It was hard... this is hard...
And I know... we all have it... we all go through pain... we all go through suffering... but because of what He did for us...we must praise him... we must say Blessed be Your name... we must choose to say it...
Tomorrow I go in... for some more tests... and appointments... 
And I will continue to say to Him... Blessed, Blessed be Your name. And thank him for teaching me patience............. 
and perseverance. 

xoxo-me

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrow like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say
It is well it is well with my soul

God watches Over us, and no matter the uncertainty of our lives or how much life seems beyond our control, praise God it is not beyond His control and neither are we

Kathleen said...

Please don't be embarrassed. My vain self understands, but don't. I'm praying for direction for the doctors and a diagnosis soon.

Hang in there, kiddo. You're stronger than you realize.