So last night I was laying in bed and trying to fall asleep (It wasn't happening... the pain was just about at screaming level) I started to ponder what I would write about for my next blog... (yeah... I'm a geek like that... I'm a planner...) and the word Fraud came to my mind... do you ever wonder if you are a fraud in your own life?
Well, I hate to admit it... maybe I shouldn't... and I'm kind of embarrassed to even say it... but sometimes I feel like a fraud... I put on this persona... this brave young lady... this person who is positive... all the time.... and then... this girl who trusts her Lord with every aspect of her life...
Can I be honest and say... this isn't who I am... but really... this is who I want to be?
I am scared... I'm in no way brave... I am a big chicken... My mind is terrified by the thought of the unknown.... my heart is broken by fear... I have no idea why I am in this position... Why am I in this trial? Why can't I actually be brave? I just want to... I want to be fearless...
Then, I want to be positive... what am I? A negative Nancy... that's exactly what I am... I feel that I need to pretend to be positive... to help those around me... but... I'm not positive in my own head... I want to be encouraging... positive beyond belief...
Then we come to the one part... that awful part I hate to even address... but because I'm being honest... I need to address it. I have trouble trusting the Lord with EVERY aspect of my life... I know he is sovereign... but sometimes I wish I could just control things... I wish I could tell Him how it "should" be... (want some examples? I should be married by now... to an extremely handsome and wonderful guy... who loves the Lord more than he loves me... we would have a cute little yellow house with a red dutch door and a huge garden surrounded by a white fence and an adorable kid on it's way... I shouldn't have to work... and most of all... I would be healthy...ok... time to get back to reality) So... I have a hard time trusting God with every part of my life... I want to trust him... I want to give him everything... I say that I do... but I hold onto things...
I really do want to be this person...with all of my heart.
4 comments:
ok... I confess, as I read this (while eating lunch in the mall), it brought tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart. Then I looked up, and saw three women walking, one stared... I felt odd with tears... then I realized, Hey.. what is SHE staring at... SHES the one with the Pacifier in her mouth! (No... really... she and 2 other women had real baby pacifiers). I felt better then.
Anyway... I am off track... I thought about the fact that you are not the first person to be going through these thoughts... Paul in said in the passage that begins at Romans 7:15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
Anyway... as long as I am in full disclosure mode... I first thought this was in Romans 8, and ran into Romans 8:18 which I thought was very appropriate for your posting.
OH... and I am glad you don't still use a pacifier.
Dad
Oh, dear Rachel! You are not alone. I fear that we are all like this; more than you realize. Rest in Him and thank Him for his mercy. Then give yourself permission to be human; a child of the King waiting to be perfected.
I resemble those remarks! Oh the humanity!:) We get discouraged by our humanity...but God sees washed through the blood of His beloved Son!!
Your fellow human, Marilee
Even at my age (just a few years older than your mom), I still have times when I just want to control things and think I have a better way to do something. My daughter just broke off her engagement to someone we thought was a nice guy. Not Christians, but I keep praying for that. But, turns out he wasn't who we thought he was. And now she hurts and, as a mom, I grieve when my kids are hurting...just like your mom, I'm sure. But just knowing that God knows what we are going through and knows our thoughts and knows our pain, makes me feel somewhat better. Still hard. But Proverbs 3:5-6 have been my life verses since I became a Christian at age 16. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
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