Monday, May 30, 2011

deep in the valley

So... here I am... I've been going through some health issues... again. My heart is broken. Well not literally but... emotionally... It's kind of a long story... but I guess I should tell it... and hope for some healing through the words...
In January I fell to the floor one Sunday night... in terrible pain. We were fairly certian my appendix burst... I was running a fever... and in excruciating pain... so my mom and dad rushed me into the ER for a visit. It wasn't my appendix. They had no clue but suggested it might be an ovarian cyst. I've had plenty of these in the past and none of them have had fevers but... oh well... So I went and saw my OBGYN... long story short with him... in about 2 weeks we did an laporscopic surgery only to discover that I have... Endometriosis... yeah... this is heartbreaking news to a young lady who desperately wants to have children some day... but I told myself... God is Sovereign. He will provide. And... it could be worse... this is so simple!!!

Well... as soon as I got over the shock of endometriosis... and my Dr. encouraged me with the fact that I'm only in stage one and will still (most likely) be able to conceive when the time is right... I learned I got a stinkin' bladder infection... This lasted... well... a long time... I'd go on antibiotics for a week... off for one then it would come back... couldn't seem to get rid of the darn thing. (Long story short on that... they finally figured it out and I haven't had one for 3 weeks...) But hey... At least I was able to go back to work!
Then... one evening... I was doing my monthly exam... and I found a lump. shoot... why? so I made an appointment and the Dr. was fairly certain it was just an inflamed lactic gland. So... I was supposed to watch it.

Then... April 25th. I was at work... and I wasn't feeling well... I was figuring that my bladder infection was back (it was) and possibly a kidney infection ... I nearly passed out at work... my sweet boss drove me to the urgent care where my mom met us and we waited.
Well... they sent me back to my Dr. to treat it... he couldn't figure it out... he sent me to a Urologist...
This is where the story has quite a bit of humor... Warning... Slightly... eh... i'll keep it G rated :)
I had just gone from my OBGYN... they have babies on their desks... wombs... ovaries... to the Urologist... well... There was a GIANT... I mean... BIGGER than my head... um... I'm not married.. I'll just say... male part... Sitting on the table... I'm not married... I DIDN'T even look in health class cause well.. eww... sorry for the immaturity.. but i hope it gave you a laugh :)

He ran a bagillion tests cleared me of anything bladder related and sent me to a Gastrointestinal Doctor.

The GI dr.'s office was nice. He was awesome... I loved him... ever need a good one? I've got the guy for you. He spent over an hour looking over my case... asking questions... listening to me sob about how I hadn't been to work in three weeks... and I really needed to get back... cause I'm trying to buy a condo... then he looked at me straight in the eyes.. and said... I think we need to do a Colonoscopy... I had told him at the beginning of our appointment... how freaked out I was about them and how happy I was that I was young and wouldn't have to have one for a LONG time... I don't know if you remember but Katie Curic had one done... on national TV... watched it... scarred me for life :) ha ha!

I asked him why... and there it was... it hit me like a rock...
This is where the story gets... sad

He looked at me with his kind eyes and said.

"I think your Castleman's disease is back"

wow... really... hold it together Rachel.. don't cry... don't... cry... I held my tears in... scheduled my colonoscopy... and walked out to the bathroom... shaking... I wasn't expecting that... I wasn't expecting that! NO.... NO...

I wasn't expecting THAT!

I don't want it.

So.. I had my lovely colonoscopy... at 24... it... well.. wasn't all daisies... but as i was waking up.. my dr. was there.. and i remember his words... your colon is fine... there is no castleman's (oh and just FYI it isn't the Castleman's related to HIV... I DON'T have HIV) there...

at this point i apparently told him I was in love with him... don't remember that... but... oh well...

so... I get home... where does this leave me... well... i'm still sick... sleeping 16 to 18 hours a day... and in pain... nauseous and feverish. so... I went to my GP. I've been seeing him since I was 2. He examines me... and I have him check my lump in my armpit... I thought it had gotten bigger... and it had. and he says... trying to hold back the tears in his eyes... I think your castleman's is back.

Darn it! I didn't want to hear that... but at this point... I need some sort of diagnosis...

so... he is sending me to an oncologist/hematologist... tomorrow... Good thing too... cause... we found more... lumps...

So... I guess I'll be updating this at my own pace.. Please have patience with me... as I become ready to share... it's hard...

Oh Lord... Hold my heart... I cannot do this alone...
I am terrified.

4 comments:

Cara said...

Oh Rachel, I am SOO SORRY!!!! I wish I could just make you all better. I have been wondering what was going on but didn't want to ask. I pray that they will figure out what is wrong with you soon and you will be better. I know that it must be scary and so hard not to know what is going on. I know the Lord is watching over you and will protect you! PLEASE let me know if you need anything. I can come by after work just to say HI or bring you food or just go for a walk with you. Take care of yourself!! Don't worry about work!!! Work will still be there waiting for you, but your health is the most important thing right now! I'm praying for you!!!! LOVE YOU!! Cara :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel: "Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isa.40:31 Tried and true, a faithful lesson to lean on. You are in our prayers, Fred & Linda <><

Kathleen said...

Dear Rachel, my heart breaks that you have to go through so much. I know that there's a reason, but for right now God has chosen not to share that. I will keep you in my prayers.

Tina Cheng said...

HI Rachel,

I just read your blog post and I will be praying for you. You have had a lot of physical problems for your young age!!!
I know most things will probably sound trite right now as you are going through this tough time, but God will uphold you during this difficult period. The lessons you are learning from the pain and suffering will encourage others and point them to Christ. Some of the most godly women I know who have helped me in my life have also gone through hard physical pain.
Praying for you!
Tina Cheng