Thursday, December 15, 2011


"I'm just done" I told the doctor with tears streaming down my face.

"What do you mean, done?"  she asked concerned about my psychological state.

"I mean.. I'm done being poked... I'm done being the 10% that leaks after this procedure... I'm done BEING SICK! I'm done using a walker... I'm done being prodded. I'm done being sick. I'm done not having a treatment plan. I'm done. I want to go home. I want to go back to work. I want to be back to normal. I'm done. Done. Done. Done" I said stubbornly.

"Ok... let's take this one step at a time. We are going to try and slow the leak from your brain so you can go home. You have to be able to open your eyes without pain meds.  And you have to keep all the food and water down. If you can do that... you can go home."

My nurse in the hall explained that I went through three hours of poking the day before... and instead of one blood patch epidural he did too... because he was hasty and thought they could get my blood... so he inserted one... and I had to stay arched like a "mad cat" for over an hour... all while being afraid of being paralyzed if I moved. She explained how even the Anestisologist couldn't get my vein, he had to start arterial sticks... and he did more than one. Then he did another epidural, and my back was now quite sore. She explained how I held it together gently telling him when it hurt... and didn't scream my head off... she explained that she would have been "done" too.

That night my boss had texted me and asked to come over... then my previous boss asked if she could come over too... it was wonderful! I was so thankful to see both of their smiling faces! When they came I was fully loaded on pain killers... so I could actually have my light on a little. We talked and giggled... just like old times :)

My parents had gone to see White Christmas. I had given my ticket to my friend who's been dealing with lymphoma but is doing quite well. I was bummed not to be able to see it... but we had set up some sitters for me. My dear friend Kellie was kind enough to share her mommy with me. Melanie and I had a great time... till I got overly nauseous and we had to sit in the dark for a long time.

That night they gave me an ambien. I was never so thankful for medication.

Fast forward to the next morning... My friend from high-school's mom was my nurse... I asked her what I needed to do to bust out of there... I wanted my mattress soooo badly. She planned my big escape for me... came in let me know when the doctor was on her way so I could remove my eye mask.

I was going to fake it....

And I did... I faked my way to make her think I was fine... that the headache was gone. My nurse friend took me to my car. and gave me a hug...

Then we started driving... and I realized how important spinal fluid is on your brain... I felt as if my brain were being bounced around my scull. It hurt bad.

I got home... somehow got to my mattress... love that thing... and slept... I felt great.

Now I just need a couple more sleeps like that and I'm sure the fluid will stop flowing.

Oh... and yes... we are still waiting on results.

So here's how you can pray.
1. That my spinal fluid would stop leaking.
2. That the doctors would see what they need to see in the fluid.
3. That I can get back to work soon.
4. That my head would feel better.
5. That I would be able to rest... I'm awful at resting...



Cara said...

I'm so sorry Rachel :( As I'm reading this, I know exactly how you feel bc a lot of what you went through at the hospital I too went through. All except the spinal fluid leaking :( I know what you mean to be done!! Why can't we just be back to normal? Why can't we get our lives back? Why can't they figure out what is wrong with us? I had a total break down yesterday bc I too was just DONE!!!

I am praying for you. I know that I am not nearly going through the struggles you are but I know how awful it feels. It's hard sometimes to just act like everything is ok. We can have bad days!!! I really hope you get the answers you need and that they can cure you!!!

Stay strong!!!!!!!!!!! zxoxoxo

fah_always said...


I'm praying for the Lord to lift you up and give you strength and for wisdom for the doctors. I can't imagine what you are going through. Just reading your descriptions put me in pain. Thank you for blogging about it. I think too many people always try to make out that everything is just fine. It's the human condition, habit, but when you can let go and just pour out your heart, it is very educational. I'm so sorry that all of this is happening to you, but I will be lifting you up to Jesus.