Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Broken Hearted

I can't be strong tonight. I'm aching... both physically and mentally... I'm broken hearted... My body is hurting. My leg hurts. My arm still hurts where they tried to put in the contrast on Monday. My vision is getting blurrier (it is getting very difficult to see my computer screen... good thing I can type with my eyes closed... but sorry if I miss some spelling or grammar stuff). My tremors are getting worse...  I'm stressed about the future... I'm stressed about being an inconvenience... I can't drive. I'm frustrated. I feel like an inconvenience to everyone around me. My work has been wonderful... a huge blessing... and has accommodated my shorter schedule and doctors appointments. My parents have been so sweet... driving me around... but... I'm frustrated. I like to be the one who helps... not be the one who is helped.

And my heart is heavy... My heart is broken

When will this be over?

I went back to Dr. "Blackbird" today... My vision is blurrier... and I'm frustrated beyond belief. My world is dim... literally... everything I see is dim. He stole some more of my blood... and ran a bazillion more tests.

I am so frustrated.

My fever is back tonight...

Tomorrow it will be 4 months since I nearly passed out at work. I don't want to think about how I've waited this long for a diagnosis... for relief from pain... I'm discouraged...

In my "real life" (not blog life)... I try so hard not to complain... because complaining doesn't do anything...but tonight... I broke down... I cried as I told my mom how I couldn't feel my foot... my leg hurts... my vision is in the dumps... my back hurts... my stomach hurts... and I'm exhausted... and I'm starting to feel a little too much like Job.

This afternoon in Dr."Blackbird's" office... my head found it's way to my hands as I sat in the dark waiting room... I listened for my name to be called for some tests and I couldn't help it...  I cried... I prayed...

"Lord... Please please... take this away... I can't do it any longer."

I said that over and over... over and over...

I need prayer... I feel like now more than ever... I can't go on like this... something has to change... something has to get better...

My heart is broken... My burden is heavy... And I'm struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel.


Oh Lord... please make me better. Whether you choose to heal me or not... I know you will use me for your glory through this. And I will go through this Valley if you want me to.... but please... hold my heart.

xoxo- me

P.S. Today's song choice is "If you want me to" by Ginny Owens. Love this song... She is a beautiful artist and is blind... This song was my "theme song" 6 years ago... and I still love it today. You can play it on my sidebar :)

8 comments:

tanzijan59 said...

Hi sweetie, I know you've heard this a million times, but hang in there. You know the saying that "God will not give us more than we can handle, not quoted, but my interpretation. I think of you often, even though I do not personally know you. You, whether you realize it are an inspiration. Please don't feel like a burden to others, that is how my husband feels and I always tell him, love is not a burden!! Bless you and hang in there.

Jan

Crysti & Jerome said...

My sweet friend. I am praying!!

Kathleen said...

Dear, sweet Rachel, you are such an inspiration and my heart breaks for you. I will continue to pray for you.

Love you.

Donna M said...

I'm so sorry, Rachel. We continue to pray both for healing and encouragement. We love you.

Anonymous said...

ps. 30:10-Hear O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord be my helper. You have turned for me my mourning into dancing. You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness. To the end that my glory may sing praise to you and not be silent. Lord my God I will give thanks to You forever.
I am praying this for you dear Rachel; and pray that one day you will be able to pray it for your self.

Anonymous said...

Your aunt Bette's and my prayers are with you!

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you, but at the same time I rejoice, because I know that through the pain and discouragement you know how much you are loved. Particularly you know how much you are loved by your heavenly Father and your earthly family and friends.
We women like to be in control. We don't like surprises. We don't like interruptions! But most of all we do not want to be dependent!
But this is what our Lord requires of us; complete submission, relinquishing all to Him. How else can He mold us into a useful vessel. How can we be used by Him if we stand in His way. I understand your longing to be free from the pain and disability, and I know that the Lord listens to your prayers, and that an answer is forthcoming. Hang on ... to the Truth, and let go ... let your family help. This is their calling. It is a gift from you to them and from them to you.
With prayer and love, Linda <><

Shan said...

We are praying for you Rach!! Hang in there!! We love you!! Love Shan & Mandy!! :)