Thursday, June 9, 2011

too many paper napkins...

"Please Lord... Please... Let them find something... let there be an indication of what is making me so sick... Please let my biopsy be fruitful... I need to get better... Please don't make it anything bad... but most of all let your will be done..."

That was my prayer as I walked out of the small bathroom in my local hospital wearing my gown  make that... napkin.... seriously... could they make them any bigger? I'm not huge... and... I know you know what I'm talking about...
As I sat on the cold paper covered table and the nurse explained to me what would be happening... my head spun in circles... this is it... we must find it... my thoughts spun.

Why me?
Why now?
Calm down Rachel...  It's an ultrasound guided biopsy...

She squirted the nasty jelly stuff all over my armpit and pulled the cold probe across my skin. Our conversation about the weather did not distract me at all... my eyes were glued to that screen... just like a detectives are glued to a crime scene. I had to figure it out... it was my job... I wanted to know... I asked some simple questions...
"what's that red bubble there?"
-"your blood"
"and... that squiggle?"
-"your muscle"
Her answers were cold and direct. She grabbed a towel and told me I could wipe the goo off and she was off to get the dr.

"GREAT!!! This has to be good! She found it! They are going to admit me and fix me... today!"

 I thought to myself... I knew this probably wasn't the case but... It was wishful thinking... she was gone for what felt like hours... but I'm sure was only minutes and then she returned with the doctor.

He explained to me that sometimes the lymphnodes can be difficult to find and that she wasn't able to find what my oncologist (still don't like that word) doctor had felt. He took the probe to my underarm... squirted some more goop on and checked... that seemed to take forever...

Then with incredible kindness in his voice he explained to me that this wasn't the best test to check and get biopsies because it is soft tissue against soft tissue. Insurance companies prefer it because it's cheaper... so... he apologized said he was so sorry that I was so sick... and wished me luck ... I went back to the bathroom... changed out of my napkin... and asked...
why?
WHY? WHY CAN'T THEY FIND IT!?!!
WHY CAN'T I HAVE ANSWERS?!?

I dried my tears with the coarse paper towels I found in the restroom... and walked out... the nurse walked me back to the room my mom was waiting in... and there... in that hallway... she showed such kindness... she hugged me... and told me it would be alright.... yeah... that didn't make me cry... yeah... not at all... so... I dried my eyes once more and walked out... didn't even look at my mom... told her I was ready... She got up and we left.

When we got outside she asked how it was...

In very short... words I explained to her what happened... I walked into the main hospital for a quick potty break for mom... and I sat on a bench... sulking... it was there I ran into a friend I graduated from highschool with... he and his wife (who graduated with Naomi) had just had their baby... we chatted and I left...

I went home... and cried...

Today I had two doctors appointments... one nasty test were I got to wear another napkin... let's just say I made a new rule today... If you want inside my body... you need to cut your own hole... all holes in my body have a one way direction... that includes my bladder... yeah... eww... so... after a colonoscopy a couple weeks ago... and a cystoscopy today... i'm done... cut your own hole... Cause Doctors... you aren't going in any of the existing ones any more!

The other appointment was with my oncologist  doctor. We discussed the biopsy... err... make that... waste of insurance money... and what our next steps are... so next week I get to go in for more paper napkin experiences... I mean... tests... and then I have an appointment with my oncologist at the end of the week to discuss... results.

So... I need your help...
Please pray...
Pray for patience for me... and for strength.. both physically and mentally... I'm getting really weak physically ... and most of all... pray for healing... and an answer...

feel free to invite your friends to pray... and read my bloggie... I'd love that :)
xoxo-me

P.S. I love comments :) I read them... and they make my day :) xoxo

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my sweet girl, even in your pain your are very gifted in your words, sorry about the "napkins". Please know that so many people are praying for you, we are pounding at the doors of heaven.
Kathy

Anonymous said...

I did not sleep last night--except for maybe 1 or 2 hours after dawn. So, most of my prayers were for you. It was my privilege.

Big hugs.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you Rachel...I know that it is painful and difficult right now but you are a Child of God...rest in that, find comfort in it, and find a way to say "God is good, all the time". He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it...maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but He's got BIG plans for you girlie...so keep up the good fight and stay strong!! Heather McAllister

Anonymous said...

'All the way my Savior leads me...
What have I to ask beside... How could I doubt His tender mercy... Who through life has been my guide... All the way my Savior leads me... And cheers each winding path I tread... And gives me grace for ev'ry trial... Feeds me with the living bread...'
Praying with you, Linda <><

Anonymous said...

First off, you are an amazing writer. Seriously...you are gifted! When I was reading your post, a song came to mind. You know that one by the Getty's, "Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer". One line in there popped out to me. "May the treasures of the trial, form within me, as I go. And at the end of my heart's testing, let me leave them at Your throne. May this journey, be a blessing, may I rise on wings of faith." The Lord is working in and through you. Thank you for your testimony of perseverance and faith.
Love,
Mary

Anonymous said...

I'm praying, praying, praying for you and also crying with you.

Love,
Kathleen

Anonymous said...

Your great aunt Bette and I are praying for you. Hurry up and get well! Bless you,

Your Great Uncle Richard

Anonymous said...

Still praying for you, sweetie, and your sweet mama, too. God is bigger than the bogeyman!!!:) Love, Marilee

Shan said...

Oh girlie - I'm so sorry your going through this! But I am praying and thinking about you often!! Hold tight - God has something amazing planned for you - I just know it!! Love you!

Lisa Anderson said...

Rachel, You are so loved by so many. Your words bring smiles and tears to all of us. Shannon said it best - God has plans for you! You have been always in my prayers and will continue to do so. Please keep writing - this is definitely one of your gifts!
Love, Lisa Anderson