Recovered.

It was a morning just like so many others... I woke up with a lump in my throat. My heart was nervous... my mind was full of prayers. I couldn't help but cry a little... I was fearful. 

I've been doing so well... but that morning... was my checkup with my neurologist... the worries that he wouldn't see progress filled my mind. 

I got ready... walked down my stairs... went to the car and my mom drove me to my appointment. 

It has been such a long journey. Such a hard journey... As I walked up the stairs... avoiding the scary elevator... tears streamed down my face... I was so happy to be walking up stairs. I continued down the hall... past my oncologist/hematologists office... to my neurologists office... 

I was greeted with smiling faces...  shocked by how well I was doing. My doctor called me back. 

We chatted about work... my desire to drive... life in general...

Then he took me in to examine...

He had me walk... he had me stand... he tried to knock me over...

I was solid... Like a rock. 

Then he grabbed his reflex hammer... 

My heart dropped... 

"no... please don't...I don't want to see that they aren't working still." I thought to myself.

but then... 

he hit my wrists and both reacted...

he hit my knees... 

both reacted!!!

my ankles!!!

everything worked perfectly!!!

He looked at me with his kind eyes and said....

"We can officially call you... Recovered!"

"Really??? Really???"

"Yes... this is a disease we have to watch... but you are recovered... don't aggravate it... stay out of the heat... and keep your stress low... and don't overdo.."

"What about driving? and Full time work?"

"Driving, I'll fill out the papers today... then it's the DMV's call... Full time... Please wait... at least a while longer... Your body may be recovered but the disease isn't gone. You have to be careful."

He spoke these words as if he were talking to his own daughter. Such care. 

I was ecstatic... overwhelmed! Elated! I am recovered!!!!! 

The Lord graciously held me in his hands the entire time... watching my every step... holding my heart... holding my hand. 

A few days later my parents took my sister and I on a cruise to Alaska to celebrate their 30th anniversary. 

It was a wonderful time... 

I climbed on a glacier... Yes... I climbed... I walked... I walked on ice... My heart from 7 months ago is still shocked :) 

AND.... I wore... my favorite heels... 

My dad... who is, as my pastor would say, "planted close to the river" because he tears up at almost anything... said "You are wearing heels... You look very nice" 

His face wrinkled as a single tear ran down his cheek. Then... all of us had tears running down our faces...

Such an amazing blessing... The Lord has brought us out of the Valley... and now we stand on the hill looking back... grateful to see all the blessings he bestowed upon us. 

The dark days are over... the sun is shining bright. The clouds are gone. 

And He still holds my heart. And He always will. 

Blossoming into Joy

He is my hope... He is my strength.

Every day I get stronger... every day there is a new challenge and a new joy.

My heart is full... The Lord has given me peace.

xoxo- me

Love

Sorry dear friends that I have been a little MIA during this healing process...

It has been much more emotional than I expected. 

Yes... I am doing well... Extremely well... If you had told me 6 months ago that I would be walking, hiking, swimming without a cane or walker I would have told you that you must have been insane. But, here I am... a living testament to God's grace in my life. 

I am a miracle. 

Thanks to a TON of physical therapy, a wonderful therapy puppy, an awesome chiropractor, and a wonderful neurologist, I am doing amazingly well. 

I don't struggle up the stairs, or walking down a slope, or bending over. My legs are working... my hands haven't been as numb... and my tremors have mostly stopped. 

I still have quite a sensitivity to heat... and with the summer months approaching I have had more difficulties with my vision and hearing... but hopefully that will get better with time too. 

Now... I find myself struggling with the desire to do more, to have more... this isn't enough... walking isn't enough... running isn't enough... I want MORE. 

Shouldn't I just be grateful?

Why is it so hard to be content?

My storm is over... the sky is turning blue... and here I find myself missing something... 

I have had this overwhelming feeling... absolutely overwhelming... to the point of tears sometimes. 

There is this hole in my heart... Someone is missing. 

I want someone to love. I want to share my life. I want someone to pray with and to pray for. Someone to challenge me in my faith. Someone who will push me closer to my Savior. Someone who will strive to grow closer to Him every day... Someone who wants to share the gospel with everyone around them. 

I could gaze out the window all day... daydreaming about who might be the one... But it would be a waste of time... day dreaming wont find me a husband... unless, possibly, he were to see me standing at my window.

But for now... I will continue to get healthy... because nobody wants to date a sick girl :)

Go ahead and play one of my favorite songs... it's on the sidebar :) I can't remember the first time I heard this song... I think it was sometime in high school... and the words are as true today as the were then... I will not stop praying for my husband... My small group leader encouraged us to start praying for them when we were 13... and I have ever since.

someday. 

xoxo- me

journey

My heart pounds with excitement every time I lace up my running shoes... yes... running shoes.

Now granted... I have actually only ran twice... but I have been walking... Lots and Lots of walking.

I can go for miles... My record... 3.5 miles in ONE day :) 

The Lord has blessed me. 

My first pair of heels I got to wear... I lasted about an hour... but it was a wonderful hour :)

But I've been silent... I haven't written in what seems like years. 

My girl Molly and I after a walk. 

My heart has been nervous... I've been playing the What if game...What if this healing doesn't "stick"? What if it is just a quick "remission" before sickness hits again? What if? What if? What if? 

We graduated from beginning puppy school... She is helping those nerves connect.

How do I trust the Lord that no matter what happens... whether I see it as good or as bad... that the circumstances are his plans?

I've been checking in with my doctors on a regular basis... I'm making progress faster than anyone has expected. My blood levels are perfect... my thyroid has started working again... some of my nerves are reconnected... and yet I wonder... how... how am I going to get through the rest of this?

recovery is so hard... I have a really long way to go still... but even the worst day of recovery is better than the best day of illness.

I can deal with the numb hands and feet... the small twitches... the vision issues when I get hot... I know it will be ok... it will get better... eventually. 

Some of my doctors and physical therapists have compared what I'm going through to a person who is recovering from a stroke... or a spinal cord injury. 

lots of time... lots of patience. 

My sweet kitty is feeling better... and don't judge my snowman pj's... I celebrate Christmas all year long ;) 

I have returned to work part time... The Lord blessed me with an awesome position... close to home... Where I could keep my benefits... But, I am in a new office... and every-time I begin to work at a new office... I get the questions... 

Did you have open heart surgery?

My gorgeous garden... My daffodils came up... I planted them right before I had to start using my walker. Isn't it amazing that they bloom... now that I don't have to?

My heart begins to sink... is my scar really that obvious? Most of the time I forget about the 7 and a half inch scar that graces my chest... but my clients sure do seem to notice... 

I graciously try to answer their questions... without giving them too much information... 

Then they ask why I moved branches... well honestly... I lie.

I tell them I wanted to be closer to home (which is totally true.) and that this position opened up... and I snatched it up...

I leave out the fact that I had to leave my old position... because I was out on disability for too long... and I am recovering from a very rare disease (that may or may not be linked to my previous surgery) ... after all... the strangers who I have told, seem to think that my life is some sort of modern day tragedy... (sorry to the forever 21 sales associate who asked... and I was in a somewhat snarky mood... I told her I had a giant mass removed from my chest at 18... and now I have an awful nerve disease... that I am recovering from... but the doctors don't even have a name for... and I am lucky that I don't have to use a walker anymore... I'm pretty sure she used an entire box of kleenex...and couldn't understand why I was so ok with it... well honey... it's my life... I have to be ok with it... I can't change my circumstances...) 

I assure you my life is not a ... modern day tragedy... although some days... I do think it would make a good TV movie... I've been through so much... 

But He has brought me through this... 

This journey is a blessing.

"May this journey bring a blessing

May I rise on wings of faith
At the end of my heart's testing
With Your likeness let me wake

Jesus, guide me through the tempest
Keep my spirit staid and sure
When the midnight meets the morning
Let me love You even more"

I have so much Joy... I have come so far... I have learned so much... I am so blessed. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

xoxo- me